A love letter to myself
featuring my (anti-climactic) coming out story
You came out to Mom at 16.
You were up late together in the kitchen. You couldn’t stop blabbering about your bff from sleep-away camp after spending the whole summer together. (Let’s call her Molly.)
Your mom rolled her eyes playfully and said, “Molly this! Molly that! You keep talking about Molly Molly Molly!”
And you fired back, “Well, yeah Mom… cause you KNOW why! I… like her! I mean… I like like her! Like… I love her! I’m in love with her, Mom!”
Mom doesn’t remember any of this now.
You sometimes press her, momentarily reverting to a kid. “MOMMM you really don’t remember? You were probably worried or surprised…? MOMMM you must have gone and told Dad after - do you remember that part?? You really don’t remember any of it?? At all???”
She responds, with an I-wish-I-could-help-but-I-can’t look on her face, “So sorry, but it was nothing new! It was just the way it was! You were always into girls and boys and everything in-between... since Greece!”
Greece, you know… your 5th-grade formative experience traveling as one of three kids in Eve Sussman’s art film The Rape of the Sabine Women. Surrounded by the most brilliant and beautiful 20-something artists on the isle of Hydra, you were enthralled with each and every one of them.
Mom continues, “Obsessed with her, going on about him, clinging on to her, googly-eyed over him! Same thing at acting class, at school, at camp… everywhere! You’ve always been like that.” She gives me a hug.
You ask Dede, your best friend of 23 years. Surely she’ll remember you coming out to her! “Nope, I don’t think you ever had to come out to me. You had all types of crushes since we were young, so I was just used to it.”
You express some concerns (the same ones that creep in often) to your bro: I don’t even know who I’ll end up with - like it may go this way or that and I can’t even envision my future because it could go in so many different directions. He takes a refreshing approach with his advice back: “Sof, I say this with respect, but honestly, who cares!!”
Wow. “Who cares” is surprisingly exactly what you need to hear in this moment! Like, you do you girl. And you know we’ll support you however it goes!
Sidenote: Zach’s super consistent. Look at his vibe on your birth announcement:
Dude, you’ve been incredibly lucky. From a very young age, you were able to express yourself freely (at least in your close circles; it’s always been harder in professional environments). Don’t ever take that for granted. You have friends (and exes) who’ve gone through hell just to feel safe in their own skin. And some who maybe never will :(
While your experience has been smoother than most, that early sense of self-acceptance is something you’re allowed to own. It may have felt like second nature at the time, but you always listened to your own heart and trusted it was guiding you in the right direction. That’s cool! Remember Dad saying, “I’m always in awe of how sure you are about who you like!” A compliment others would probably find odd, but no, he was telling you he sees you.
Pride, for you, has never looked like rainbows or glitter (though you LOVE it for your friends 🌈✨ ) - honestly you don’t rock either of those things? And that’s okay. For you, Pride is sometimes staying home and writing a song or eating an ice cream sundae (totally rainbow sprinkles in this case). It’s about looking inward and learning to love and accept what you see, no matter how complicated or conflicted you sometimes feel. Living openly, speaking your mind, sharing your creativity, and not apologizing for it. It’s about reconnecting with that younger version of yourself who never really questioned who she loved or why she was the way she was. She just lived in it wholeheartedly.
Your version of “loud and proud” is more like, “gently defiant.”
At least that’s how you feel right now - it can totally change!
Kara Manning (WFUV) once described you in an article as: “a ferocious bluebird.”
Remember how you felt reading that line for the first time? It was so affirming - her noticing the dichotomies (your queerness showing up in your music): the masculine and feminine, the fearless and fearful, the spoken and unspoken, the “sweet & salty” (as she wrote in a different post).
Omg wait, let’s talk about Mercutio!
Admit it - you’re feeling great right now. In life. Like, super happy! And you owe a lot of this recent self-exploration to Mercutio, that cool rock-concert/musical reimagining of Romeo + Juliet you participated in last month conceived by visionary Gregor Patti! You were cast as Rosaline — “the coolest bitch you’ve ever met” (lol stop 🤭). But woah! Within a few rehearsals, they were really picking up what you were putting down in the devising process, so they asked you to also join the creative team as co-music director, alongside legend Joey Walsh. You made some amazing new friends and spent the whole month doing what you love — creating and performing! You felt seen, understood, appreciated, and respected… not just for your talent, but also for being you 🥹 A “good hang,” or whatever!
Pretty much everyone involved in the show (besides one lovely ally!) was queer, and it was a BEAUTIFUL way to spend Pride month.
I see you, girl!
You’re standing a little taller, your freckles are coming out, you’re wearing mini-skirts (wtf!), feeling hella confident, and you’re actually putting yourself first again (Phew! I was honestly getting really worried about you).
You feel highly motivated for the first time in ages, free of anxiety and self-criticism, and truly at peace with yourself. Ten days so far… keep up the streak?
You sent out some great self-tapes last week for projects that are super aligned with what you’re excited about. You submitted work to something you’d usually NEVER submit for out of fear (of what? success? I don’t get it, but we listen and we don’t judge). You didn’t get the gig, but you loved working on it and received a response saying, “This is beautiful and so different from the other submissions I’ve gotten.” Ok girlllll!
Sorry to take it here, but… remember the first few months of this year? Pretty ROUGH. Allllll those Substack posts you labored over for hours, but never let yourself hit publish on? The evil perfectionist demon inside you is loud and proud, that’s for sure! 🙃 But it just goes to show, life continues to ebb and flow… and right now, it’s flowing!
Gentle reminder for you (and all the cuties reading this):
Say yes to the gig (and mini-skirt), heart every cute text in the group chat unapologetically, remind your people they matter, and trust that your weird, wonderful self will attract exactly the right collaborators, friends, and lovers (yessss, I’m manifesting for you, summer lovin’ is on the horizon.)
Keep it up, Mariposa!
XOXO,
You Know Who
although the details are different, the sentiment so resonated with me. Square peg, round hole, knowing who you are, not knowing next minute. Then knowing again.
I love you sofala